By Archpriest Joseph Purpura
Recent research by the Antiochian Orthodox Christian Archdiocese Department of Youth finds that it really does matter what we say to our children. As parents we often wonder if our children are listening. Nearly 800 teens tell not only are they listening to what their parents and clergy are saying but also that it has profound impact on what they themselves believe and do. Interestingly the study by the Department of Youth found a direct link between parent and teen’s relationships, how many issues parents have spoken to their teen and the outcomes of teen behavior.
How well a parent and teen got along with each other (according to the teen's assessment) had a direct effect on how likely a parent and teen were to discuss an issue. For example:
|
Teens rated “How well they got along with their Parents …” |
And the percent of those parents who have spoken to their teens concerning pre-marital sexual relations |
|
Very Well |
49% |
|
Fairly Well |
47% |
|
Not Well at all |
4% |
|
How well I get Along with my Parents |
My Parents have discussed their feeling about Birth Control |
|
Very Well |
52% |
|
Fairly Well |
44% |
|
Not Well at all |
4% |
|
How well I get Along with my Parents |
My Parents have discussed their feeling about Abortion |
|
Very Well |
52% |
|
Fairly Well |
44% |
|
Not Well at all |
4% |
|
How well I get Along with my Parents |
My Parents have discussed their feeling about Homosexuality |
|
Very Well |
50% |
|
Fairly Well |
40% |
|
Not Well at all |
5% |
|
How well I get Along with my Parents |
My Parents have discussed their feeling about Aids and other sexually transmitted diseases |
|
Very Well |
52% |
|
Fairly Well |
43% |
|
Not Well at all |
4% |
The fact that parents speak to their children is vital in that there is a direct correlation between whether parents have spoken with their teens on these issues and whether the teens believe that such behaviors are morally right or wrong.
If parents spoke to their child about the issues in their life and those surrounding them, the teens tended to have a healthier more Orthodox understanding of moral and ethical behavior. This is significant in that we want our teens to live a righteous life that is rooted in their relationship with Jesus Christ. The study suggests that teens are more likely to live a healthier life if they have a good relationship with their parents and if their parents speak to them on the issues. What is not known from the study is whether parents have good relationships with their teens because they speak with their teens on current issues in the teen’s life or if parents and teens that get along better tend to talk more about the issues. It is the opinion of this writer that it works both ways and both support and build upon one another.
The following tables show the positive impact that parent child - parent teen discussions on the issues can have on the thinking of teens: Teens who believe that abortion, pre-marital sex, and homosexuality are wrong apparently are influence by whether their parents have spoken to them on the subject or not. In fact in most cases teens whose parents have spoken to them on the issues are 2 – 3 times more likely to see the above behaviors as morally wrong.
Abortion
|
Concerning Abortion, my parents Have spoken to me and I |
What teens believe concerning Abortion |
|
believe abortion is wrong |
75% say it is wrong |
|
believe abortion is right |
4% say it is right |
|
am not sure if having an abortion is right or wrong |
19% say they are not sure |
The figures in this table mean that of the teens whose parents have spoken to them on the given subject the percent is of the teens of that group who believe a particular way. For example in the above table of the 464 teens whose parents have spoken to them concerning their feelings on abortion 75% of those teens believe that abortion is wrong, while only 4% say it is right. This is significant because within the 323 teens whose parents have not spoken to them 6% believe it is right and 38% are not sure if it is right or wrong and only 55% think it is wrong, This indicates that parental discussion on the issues has a significant impact on the outcome of a teens thinking. The following tables represent similar findings.
Pre-Marital Sex
|
My Parents have spoken to me concerning Pre-Marital Sex and I |
What teens believe concerning Pre-Marital Sex |
|
Believe it is wrong |
72% say it is wrong |
|
Believe it is right |
4% say it is right |
|
Am not sure if it is right or wrong |
23% say they are not sure |
Of those parents who have not discussed this issue with their teen 10% believe pre-marital sex is right compared to only 4% above.
Homosexuality
|
My Parents have spoken to me concerning Homosexuality and I |
What teens believe concerning Homosexuality |
|
Believe it is wrong |
74% say it is wrong |
|
Believe it is right |
5% say it is right |
|
Am not sure if it is right or wrong |
19% say they are not sure |
Of those parents who did not discuss this issue with their teens 8% believed homosexuality was right and another 31% were not sure if it was right or wrong.
Nearly as significant as parents’ discussions with teens, both clergy and parent support of teens and discussion of the issues from both have a profound impact on what teens believe. It has been long known that the Church and the Family are meant to support one another. It is apparent in this study that the alliance between the two really does matter and brings about a healthier way of thinking in the minds of teens. The following tables show the impact that Parent/Clergy communication with teens can have on the teen’s values:
|
Concerning Pre-Marital Sexual Relations, |
Of the 85% who believed that Pre-Marital Sex is wrong |
|
My Parents only spoke to me |
18.5% |
|
A Clergyman only spoke to me |
20.5% |
|
Both my Parents and a Clergyman spoke to me |
46.5% |
|
Neither spoke to me |
14.5% |
The findings above suggest that we are nearly three times more likely to be successful in bringing about right moral and ethical thinking when both parents and clergy work together rather than either alone.
Teens will speak to their parents and clergy when given the opportunity and made to feel safe in doing so according to the teen survey. Sixty-five percent of the teens said that they would discuss a serious moral matter with a clergyman. I would venture to say that if more teens realized the love their pastors have for them and the wealth of wisdom that their priests posses and that in fact their priests understand the issues they are going through, more teens would be willing to speak to pastor and other clergy. Experience suggests that teens either think their pastor is too busy (which at times is true) or simply does not understand the issues they are going through, as many teens do not contemplate the fact that their pastor went through adolescents much as they now are doing. Similar obstacles stand in the way of parent and teen communication. For many years both as a priest and as a youth worker I have said that quality time is important, but so is the quantity of time we spend with our children and teens. Nothing can replace significant adult involvement in the life of young people. If we only spend a small amount of quality time with our young people, we most likely will never be around long enough for our teens to think that we have time for them and for them to become comfortable being around us and eventually opening up to us.
Sixty-five percent (65%) of teens in the survey said that they would discuss a serious moral matter with a clergyman.
|
I would discuss a serious moral matter with |
Yes |
|
Only to my pastor |
192- 24.5% |
|
Only to another clergyman |
98 - 12.5% |
|
With both my pastor and another clergyman |
221- 28% |
Of those who would not discuss a serious moral matter with a clergyman, another 7% would discuss it with their youth director, meaning that 72% of the teens would be willing to turn to someone in the parish in a ministry role.
Reading the Bible also appears to have an effect on behavior. Those who report reading the bible at least weekly report the following behavior compared to those who did not regularly read the Bible.
|
Showing Behavior, as a percentage of total teens |
Read the Bible at least Daily |
Read the Bible at least Weekly |
Do not read or read less than once a week |
|
Were involved in Pre-marital Sex |
.63% |
1.14% |
7.97% |
|
Drunk Alcohol in the past twelve months with friends |
2.02% |
6.08% |
34.43% |
One behavior certainly affects other behaviors. Teens that drank alcohol with their friends in the past twelve months were more than 3 times more likely to have had sex than their peers who reported not having drunk alcohol in the past twelve months with their friends.
Other significant parallels in one behavior affecting others:
Those who took illegal drugs were more than twice as likely to have considered committing suicide (56%) than their peers who did not take drugs (24%).
· Of those 137 who reported having used marijuana in their lifetime, 121 (88%) also reported drinking alcohol in the past twelve months.
· Of the 41 who reported other drug use 32 also reported having used marijuana, meaning that 78% of those who used other drugs also used marijuana.
One behavior certainly does affect other behaviors. The teen study shows that we can not take any one behavior lightly as all of the risk-taking behaviors such as smoking, alcohol; pre-marital sex and so forth can lead to and make it that much more likely that teens will engage in other risk-taking behaviors. How we choose to relate to our teens does matter. We need to talk with our children and teens on a regular basis as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior. The process of dialoging with our teens needs to start from early childhood and continue throughout the teen years and early adult years. It is our choice, as parents and clergyman, as to whether we will be involved in the moral and ethical formation of our children and teens. Our young people will form their thinking and behaviors on these issues. We can have a very positive influence on their moral and ethical formation if we choose, or we can abandon our responsibility and allow others to form our children based on their agendas and lifestyles.
by Archpriest Joseph Purpura
As a parent of four children, three of whom are teenagers, I witness the multitude of moral and ethical values that they are constantly presented. I am also amazed just how much at odds those values often are with each other. There is moral and ethical values imparted to them from Television and the Theatre. There is the moral and ethical values that their peers expect of them, which depending on the group (i.e. sports, academic decathlon team, chess team, theatre group, church youth group, etc) often in and of themselves vary. There is their music, the Internet, their schoolteachers and the school environment as a whole, where one would expect high values to be imparted. Recently my tenth grader's class held what was called "Awareness Week" where such topics as the "Myth of Masculinity" and "Gay and Lesbians: Awareness and Acceptance" were two of the main topics. At this point I began wondering who is setting the moral and ethical agenda for our young people and I asked where and what is the responsibility of the Church and parents in this process. I well remember one of my Seminary Professors saying that they got through the teen years of their children by "talking with their children and talking and talking." Recent studies tell us that the average parent spends about two minutes each day in meaningful conversation with their teenagers. Telling your child to clean their room, empty the garbage, go to bed, get up, brush your teeth, go to school, don’t count as meaningful conversation according to the authors of the study. Two minutes a day, no matter how meaningful, may not be enough to compete with the multitude of other moral and ethical values being presented to our youth. We need to spend a meaningful amount of time with our children to really know what is going on in their life, what they are thinking, and what outside influences are forming their moral and ethical values.
The Conference theme this year is, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) This scripture passage conveys to us that we need to actively lead, in fact train, by example, words, and encouragement how our young people ought to live their lives. If in fact we want them to "Live the Orthodox Faith in Christ," then we need to show them how this is done and encourage them and enable them to do the same. In order to do this we need to be present with our children and teens. Our young people need examples of righteous people, but they also need the presence and encouragement of their parents, pastors, youth leaders, teachers and other members of the community to do that which is right in the sight of the Lord. As communities and as families we need to ask ourselves what are we doing to "train" our children and young adults to live their lives as members of Christ’s Body. Are we taking the time to discuss with them the moral and ethical issues that confront them in their lives. If we do not help them form their values someone else will and in fact is. Taking an active role in forming our young peoples values is as important, if not more important, to their being "successful" in life, than making sure they have the right clothes to wear, that they make it on to the right sports team, or that they get the best education. When asked, many young people say that their parents and the Church do not discuss with them many of the current issues in society, such as pre-marital sex, sexuality in general, abortion, homosexuality, euthanasia, capital punishment, adultery and so forth. This lack of discussion most likely means that our young people are left to form their moral and ethical values based on what they see and hear in the media, from the school system, and their peers, void of the teachings of their Church and parents. We need to ask if this is what we want for our children.
I am sure virtually all parents want their children to grow up with and utilize good moral and ethical judgment. We need to actively participate as parents and as the Church Community in the "training up" of our children. We need to be present and active in their lives if we hope that they will live righteous lives. We need to encourage and assist one another as parents and as Church Communities to do all that we can to teach our children the moral and ethical values of our Christian values so that they will have the ability to make good choices in life. Our children need to hear from us that is an objective right and wrong. They need to hear and see that it is good and expected that they and all of us do that which is good. They need to see us and hear that it is expected that we share the gifts and talents that God has so richly blessed us with, that to help others is not simply something that is nice but that it is expected of us as Christians. They need the support, the encouragement and the knowledge to know that it is good that they remain virgin until marriage. They need to hear and see us act accordingly, despite what the media portrays, that extra-marital affairs are wrong and extremely damaging to all involved including the communities that we live. They need to know that just because society says certain lifestyles and actions are acceptable, that it does not make it right. They perhaps know in their hearts but are confused by the messages they receive in school and in the media and so we need to be bold and say; that the scriptures say homosexuality is wrong, that abortion is murder, that life – no matter whose life it is – is sacred.
All of us, parents, pastors, youth leaders, church school teachers, members of the various organizations of the Church and members of the Church community need to take the time to listen to our young people. Likewise we need to enter into their lives in an appropriate way and to enable them to enter into our lives and the life of the Church Community. In so doing they can gain the support needed to live a life as a member of Christ’s Body. Making good Moral and Ethical choices is essential to the health of the Church Community and our country. We need to do all that we can to "train up" our children, so that they can make good choices and so that "when they are old they will not depart from the Church. Most importantly we need to enable our young people to choose the Way of Life and not the way of death.
By Archpriest Joseph Purpura
If we are interested in bringing young people into a relationship with Christ, then we must ask the question, "who is raising OUR children." Certainly from a moral and ethical perspective we need to look at who and what is molding our young people's beliefs. Is it the media, the schools, parents, clergy, the Church through youth groups and church school, their friends, or other adults? From a recent survey conducted on teens of the Antiochian Orthodox Christian Archdiocese the answer appears to be, "all of the above," - at least some of the time. The next questions ought to be: who do we want to be molding the moral and ethical fiber of our young people, and where do we want them to seek their answers?
If our answer is that it ought to be us as parents, then we need to communicate with our children and young adults on these important issues. A survey, conducted by the Antiochian Archdiocese Department of Youth Ministry in 1999 of 790 Orthodox Christian teens, tells us that while a number of parents are talking to their Middle School and High School Students, too many are not.
According to this survey of Orthodox Christian Teens, the following percent of parents have spoken to their teens on the issues listed below:
|
My Parents have spoken to me concerning their feelings on:
|
Yes
|
|
Pre-marital Sexual Relations
|
69%
|
|
Birth Control
|
38%
|
|
Abortion
|
59%
|
|
Euthanasia
|
34%
|
|
Homosexuality
|
63%
|
|
Aids and other sexually transmitted diseases
|
65%
|
|
Marriage
|
71%
|
|
Fidelity in Marriage
|
64%
|
|
Dating
|
81%
|
By 7th grade most school systems have already spoken to our children through formal health classes and other venues on these issues. Many teens watch television shows, and movies at the theaters, that involve all of the behaviors listed above. Most teens speak with their peers about these issues and often seek answers from one another. Studies done across North America, including our own, show that High School and even Middle School Students already have opinions formed on these issues and in some cases engage in many of the behaviors listed above. While, on average, two-thirds of parents speak to their children on these issues, many of our teens are receiving information and forming opinions with or without parental input.
As a parent, I see it as my role to educate, dress and feed my children, who have been gifted (loaned) to me by God, the very best I can. Just as importantly, God also expects, and I expect of myself as a parent, to equip my children to discern between what is right and wrong behavior in their everyday life. As a parent I have a choice; I can remain silent and let my children form their moral and ethical values based on whatever they pickup along the way, or I can take an active role in the development of my children and help educate and mold their beliefs. Rarely, is there such thing as children and teens forming their own independent opinion on any of these issues. All of us form our beliefs based on the input of our experiences and what others share with us. So, as a parent, the choice is: do I help my children form their values, or do I leave it to others to do so without my input. Many parents have shared with me the fact that they do not feel they can speak to their child on some of the issues for fear that their teen will ask what they did as a teen or as an adult on these very issues. I offer the following: If I love my child and I know that I have made a mistake in my life and I know how painful that mistake was, how much more I as a loving parent should want to better equip my child to not make the same mistake. At the very least, I should want my child to be better equipped to make his or her decisions than perhaps I was.
Parents need to communicate with their children early in life and on a continuing basis. Whether we want it or not, our children are exposed at a very young age to most of society’s issues and problems. While we try our best to shield them from as much harm as possible, we still need to equip them to handle these issues for the time when they will be confronted by them. If we want to equip our children to discern between right and wrong behavior, then we need to communicate what is acceptable and what is not. To leave our children to figure it all out on their own is to put them at great risk and in fact to turn over their moral and ethical upbringing to whomever and whatever enters into their lives.
Parents should take courage in knowing that their teens want their parents involved in their life and in fact our teens rate their parents as the number one influence in their lives. When asked who they would turn if struggling with certain issues "Parents" was the number one response for the following issues:
94% of the teens said that they get along "fairly well to very well" with their parents. 72% percent of teens say their parents’ involvement in their life is just right, while another 7% wish their parents were more involved, 20% said their parents were too involved. When it came to discipline, 71% of teens said their parents were just right with them, while 27% said their parents were too strict and 2% said their parents were not strict enough.
Teens gave their parents very high marks when asked if their parents have discussed the following with them:
|
My parents have discussed with me their feelings about:
|
Yes
|
|
their religious faith
|
86%
|
|
issues concerning our Church
|
88%
|
|
issues concerning the World
|
81%
|
|
issues concerning me
|
94%
|
|
family problems and interests
|
89%
|
|
my school day
|
82%
|
|
my school
|
96%
|
|
truthfulness
|
96%
|
|
lying
|
94%
|
|
stealing
|
85%
|
The Church, her scriptures, theology, liturgy, life and community stand as a source of strength and knowledge in all that we do in life. Parents are encouraged to join with other Orthodox Parents, their Pastors and Church Community to further explore these issues in light of the teachings of Jesus Christ, which stand as a source of Life. As parents we need not be alone in our struggle to raise good moral and ethical children in today's world.